A friend of mine has just emailed a copy of a new Windoze 95 application that he he got from the Microsoft FTP site, unfortunatley it is in source so I can not run it. I would be most grateful if you (Great Softee - be he praised) could compile it for me. It is written in C but I am not sure which version (some of the libaries in the include statements also seem a bit strange), if you are also uncertain mabye Bill could help :

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h>  /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{

if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
    if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
        raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}

while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call,in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
        market_time=ripe;
        say("It will be ready in one month);
        order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
        order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
        order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
        vapourware=TRUE;
        break;
    }
}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
        break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
        say("Yes it will work");
        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
        break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant cos all those customers will need at least 512 megs");
        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
        when(time_is_ripe)
        {
            arrest(journalist);
            brainwash(journalist);
            when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
            {
                order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                release (journalist);
            }
        }
        break;
    }

while (vapourware)
{
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
        say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
        if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
        {
            ignore(customer);
            order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
        }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
        divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
        wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
        marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
        devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
        if (boobies_start_to_hang)
        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
     }

    if (there_is_another_company)
   {
        steal(their_ideas);
        accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
        hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
        wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
        buy_out(other_company);
    }

        }
        /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
        order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
        buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
        laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version) ;
}

void bugfix(void)
{
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
        ignore(customer);
        register(customer, big_Bill_book);
        /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
}
end - I hope

---